We are rockets, pointed up at the stars

28/08/2017 19:39 | V Moja filozofija | Brez komentarjev

In tako pride enkrat po vseh sončnih nedeljah, deževen pondeljek in po vseh občutkih vročine, občutek hladu. Pride trenutek, ki te potegne v čisto preveč normalno in logično realnost. Pridejo spremembe, take, ta velike, ki se ti na začetku zdijo nekaj najbolj groznega. Ampak sčasoma ugotoviš, da ne glede na momentalni šok, so spremembe vedno dobra stvar. Ker to pomeni, da se nekaj v tvojem življenju dogaja, nadgrajuje, nazaduje, karkoli. Nekaj delaš s sabo, se oblikuješ, zrasteš ob vseh padcih in razočaranjih. In to je dejansko tista najsvetlejša, najiskrenejša dejavnost tvojega življenja. Velikokrat tudi najtežja.

In zame, nepričakovana. Ker sem bila zelo močnega mnenja, da je moje življenje popolno. Vrhunsko. Eno samo doživetje, ves čas potovanja, dobri ljudje, brez večjih obveznosti, nikoli občutka primanjkanja denarja, celo služba tako zelo svobodna in družabno obarvana. Kamorkoli sem pogledala, karkoli sem želela narediti, ni bilo omejitve, v nobeno smer. Cel svet je bil moj, vsaj zadnja tri leta. Življenje nad oblaki. V teh treh letih sem prišla in razvila svojo filozofijo, osebnost, natrenirala misli in možgane tako daleč, da to zdaj v celoti izražam, diham, oddajam med ljudi in pišem t.i bestseller. Vsak moj trenutek je do zdaj bil tako zelo pozitiven in tako zelo močno zakorenjinjen v meni, da nisem dopuščala nobenega drugega alternativnega mnenja, da se pridruži v mojem mehurčku sončkaste pozitive. Včasih sem s tem tako verjetno še dopizdla mojemu fantu, pa čeprav je najbolj potrpežljiv in najboljši človek, kar jih poznam.

Tri zares čudovita fenomenalna leta, ki pa, kot lahko sklepate, se niso zgodila v celoti po naravni poti. Bila sem mnenja da nimam niti enega problema, da imam tak vrhunski karakter, da vsi uživajo v moji družbi in da dejansko nimam napak, oziroma jih imam, ampak ker sem jih sprejela sama pri sebi in iz njih potegnem najboljše kar se da, jih ne morejo obrniti proti meni. Seveda to obdobje ne more trajati večno, hkrati pa ima tako zoprno lastnost, da ti res uspešno skrije vse težave, ki pa se vseeno nabirajo nekje spodaj pod površino. In ta leta so doživela svoj vrhunec in hkrati padec svojega imperija tisti trenutek, ko sem se zatreskala v svojo sorodno dušo. Ker takrat se je začelo postopoma vse spreminjati. Seveda absolutno na boljše, hkrati pa me je postavilo pred izzive, trenutke dvoma, trenutke šibkosti, pomisleke o svojih napakah, odkrivanje novih, predvsem pa počasi odkrivanje vseh tistih težav, ki so se tekom mojih pohodov tako spretno skrila. In zgubila se je tista konstantna vrhunskost, na vrh so prišla tista zares velika vprašanja, izzivi, dvomi. Zdravje, prihodnost, zaposlitev, študiranje, predvsem pa tista najhujša – streznitev. Ja, moje življenje je bilo resda popolno, ampak to zaradi tega, ker sem, namesto da bi se sproti soočila s težavo, jo v kali zatrla s pomočjo cukra, alkohola, prepovedane substance, cigareta, etc. In odvisnost od česarkoli je prekleto jebeno, ko pa si privoščiš odvisnost od prenorega popolnega življenja, pa te zares konkretno zjebe.

Hkrati pa veš, da si si kriv popolnoma in čisto sam. In na začetku si zanikaš, se braniš z vsemi štirimi. Ampak če imaš ob sebi nekoga tako trmastega in vztrajnega kot je to moj fant, začneš nekako počasi plezati gor po lestvi in se soočati s svojimi težavami, sam s sabo, s svojo prihodnostjo. Istočasno pa imaš zdaj ob sebi nekoga, ki ti vsak dan znova dokaže, da mu res ni vseeno zate in da je tukaj zato, da iz tebe naredi najboljšo različico samega sebe, pa ne tisto zlagano, vrhunsko, ampak zares najboljšo. In tvoje življenje dobi taki pravi smisel, čeprav se ga včasih težje vidi zaradi vseh nenadnih sprememb. Ampak je tu in v tvojem življenju nekaj zasveti s čisto drugačno, posebno svetlobo, iskreno, pristno, realno. Zato vedno pravijo, da ko enkrat spoznaš sorodno dušo, se tvoje življenje totalno obrne. Ker nekoga ljubiš na način, kot še nisi ljubil poprej, in ker on ljubi tebe na točno istega, ti pa občutiš, da zdaj pa res nisi več sam. Da imaš nekoga, ki je tak kot ti, da imaš brezpogojno podporo in odpuščanje, da imaš nekoga, ki te ima rad točno takšno, kot si, hkrati pa iz tebe potegne tisto najboljšo tvojo posebnost, kar velikokrat raje skriješ pred svetom.

In ugotoviš, da je pozitiva še vedno smisel življenja, ampak da so tiste “slabe” stvari in izzivi, ki se pojavijo na poti, ne omejitve ali “napačna” uporaba svojih pozitivnih misli, ampak tisti boosterji, redbulli, ki tvoj karakter nadgradijo, tvojim težkim nogam pomagajo narediti korak naprej, v tvoji trmasti glavi odprejo okna, da lahko misli zadihajo svež zrak. Te postavijo na prepih ali pred goro brez, da bi ti dali navodila za pot ali vrvi. Mnenja sem bila, da se slabe stvari pač ne morejo zgoditi, ko imaš enkrat tako pozitivno naravnane misli, kot jih imam jaz. Še vedno verjamem, da se lahko drastično zmanjšajo, če razmišljaš pozitivno. Ampak tu pa tam pa se morajo zgoditi, da te opomnijo, da si živ z razlogom. In da nisi na svetu samo zato, da uživaš, ampak tudi da ljubiš, ceniš, se žrtvuješ, napreduješ, skrbiš zase in tako naprej. Najlepše od vsega pa je vedeti, da imaš na poti ob sebi nekoga, ki ti pomaga vstati po morebitnih razočaranjih, ali pa te samo stisne k sebi, ko se moraš za trenutek ustaviti, vsesti in počivati. Hvala <3

We are problems that want to be solved
We are children that need to be loved
We were willin’, we came when you called
Sticks and stones, they may break these bones
But then I’ll be ready, are you ready?
It’s the start of us, waking up come on

Warning: Contains a lot of sugar. Could trigger diabetes.

04/08/2017 00:05 | V Moja filozofija | Brez komentarjev

This time, probably for the first time on my blog, which has survived for 10 years now, although my writing is mostly for myself and for my loyal fans (/friends who endure through my sometimes-nonsense-sometimes-universal-truth kind of posts), I’m writing this in English. I could say I’m pretty fluent in this language, although some grammar mistakes will appear or too many or too little punctuation (although I admit, I’m a huge grammar nazi), so just correct it in your mind and move forward. But the main reason why I decided for this diversity of languages, is because some things just sound better in English. And because of my constant relationship with this beautiful language in every aspect of my life, I think and breathe it, so sometimes I express easier in English than in my native language. Also, English has more beautiful words, overall everything sounds better in it.

But this post is not special just because of linguistic differences. It’s probably one of the most special posts I’ve written and I’ll write and yes, you’ve guessed it right, it will be all about love. Because I’m a hopeless romantic, for starters, and because someone came into my life and made the biggest switch in my life till now and that is why he deserves my best effort to put my feelings into words, sentences. With my modest, but greatest effort, I will try to eternalize my feelings, thoughts and actions and use my knowledge and “gift” for nicely putting words into sentences and at the end of this, this will be a beginning of a magnificent love story.

As a dreamer, a hopeless romantic, who is too many times consumed by the endless love stories in books, movies, series and someone, who always has at least one leg on the cloud, my life consisted of searching for so called true love, soulmate, big romantic gestures and finding someone that will make me feel like trance music does. Oh, and someone who feels trance music the same way that I do. As you can imagine, my love and feelings for this music are immeasurable, as I’ve pointed out a lot of times through my writings here. Trance is my greatest and purest love and will be by my side and in my ears until the end. (Wow, in English everything sounds even more fairytale like, magical, like a big chocolate cake with triple chocolate fillings inside kinda like. I love it, it has a resemblance to trance lyrics, and I’m a sucker for those.) So, yeah, trance. Nevertheless, I was searching for someone who you all probably think it doesn’t exist and even if it does, he is not perfect, maybe even in a relationship or married – yeah, in these cases you are pretty much fucked. ’cause sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time (directly taken from all the cheesy quotes you find on the web). But sometimes even the cheesy quotes have a point, because you can’t “control”, when and how you are going to meet your soulmate, if you of course believe in it. But I’ve always believed that someday, somehow, like in those cheap romantic movies, I’ll find my soulmate. Because I’m a true believer, because I believe in magic and everything fictional, including the wizarding world of Harry Potter. And I knew one day my soulmate will appear, and it’s not neccesarily just a soulmate in love, but in friendship, too. I believed and still do, that all of my fantasies of the most beautiful feeling in the world, love, will come true.

I think that eventually we all do find eachother, because we hide in similar places, away from the crowd of sheeps, safe from the “real world”. Some of us hide in books, others in music, we find our comfort in spending time with just ourselves or one close friend, animal. I hid my “true” self in all of those things and at the same time I learned and expressed myself through meditation, writing, reading articles about spirituality, energy and all of that kind of “rubbish”. Through all this I’ve grown as a person, accepted my flaws and enhanced my strenghts, learned to love unconditially with getting nothing in return and fold all of my all time gigantic expectations and their downfalls into a corner of my mind, where there are at peace with itself. I found my peace, my eden under the 15 million degrees Celsius. I’m still learning, but I’ve come this far that I’m really proud of myself and at the same time my energy is constatly vibrating in happiness, peacefulness, positivity and love. I’m pretty sure that is why he silently, but beautifully, entered my life. From practically the moment we met and get to know each other – our first connection was music, pretty obvious – we became friends. Shortly after that and after a lot of communication, sharing thoughts and wishes, sometimes just plain meaningless jokes and laughs and of course, after the parties and the afterparties, we became best friends. He was the first person I went to when everything wasn’t magical and I needed a lift up, he was there even when my life was fucking awesome without a single cloud in the sky. With his one of a kind character, wicked sense of humour, sincerity, modest confidence and everlasting loyalty, he brightened my day without even knowing it. He didn’t realize it, not even in a little bit what he was doing and neither was I. I just liked talking and hanging out with him. I didn’t see at him as a potential boyfriend, not even friend with benefits, because I always had a little sibling like perspective of him. When he met me, I was someone who didn’t felt anything, because I turned the switch off and my life was, as you can imagine, fucking amazing. But at the end of the day, “feelings on” thing is superior in every way. With time, our relationship builded stronger and bigger, and so did his feelings. I was starting to become aware of it, but still didn’t feel absolutely nothing. But he stayed, he stood by my side through all the jerks of the world, for whom one second I thought they were “the one” and was the best friend anyone could wish for.

And then came one sunny Sunday, when my hormones were going crazy because of some health changes I made, somewhere between driving with loud music and wind in my hair, and all the litle things, in my head happened a silent click. I don’t know exactly how or why, and it doesn’t matter, but with every following moment my eyes got clearer and I could see beyond the friendzoned box and it revealed me all the strenghts and all the beautiful, magical aspects of his personality, which I couldn’t see till now because my emotions didn’t work properly. Then he gently fought his way through every one of my walls and to my heart. At that moment, my heart went something like this: “Oh, here you are. I’ve been waiting for you.” The soulmate feeling, pure feeling of friendship growing into something much, much more. Somehow trance love lyrics started to make more sense again and although I thought my happiness has reach its peak, it magnified. Of course, the first moments were so much stronger because of my unexpected flow of emotions rushing through me and also, because I “fall in love” (= meaning get a crush on, love happens with time) really quickly, as I’ve precisely elaborated in my previous writings. With it came fear, fear of the beginning, different, unknown emotions and already feeling this much, my complex personality and our misjudgments, different visions on relationships. And of course, the one with the  “if we don’t make it, will I lose one of the most important people in my life? Should we stay just best friends, because this seems to work perfectly?” It was a decision, to make a leap on the unknown, dangerous land, or stay on a safe ground.

Guess what? We are brave or just crazy enough, that we jumped. Suppressed our fears, crushed our relationship stereotypes and landed on the unknown, holding hands. For a second it felt like flying. And now, when we are learning even more about each other and digging deeper into ourselves, while putting it on a plate in front of the other person, getting to know each others biggest fears, regrets, dreams, the most embarassing mistakes and failures, the dark side and then searching deeper, darker, blacker than black side, the everything, we are flying even higher. Together we feel the beat, words, tones and emotions of trance songs so strong that we can lay together in silence for minutes, hours and consume every moment, synchronizing our energy levels. And because he was and still is primarily my best friend, I can tell him everything without hesitation and say every psychotic or insulting thing that pops into my head or vice versa without even a little fragment of resentment or disapproving look. I don’t have to say anything about our sex life, right? You probably figured it out by now :D

Yeah, I know, it’s the first state of the relationship, of course everything is perfect. Because of our emotions we are blinded and don’t see the mistakes, obstacles, moral differences. We don’t realize this could collapse and had a heartbreaking ending. We don’t see the “real picture” because our feelings are blurring our perception. Well, thanks to my extensive experience with relationships, not just mine, but also those where I gladly participated as a personal psychiatrist, I am aware that this phase won’t last forever and that we will come to crossroads eventually. But, for the first time, my body, my mind and all my energy feels a special feeling – soulmate like. A feeeling of comfort, safety, acceptance, trust and balance together with some trance uplift tones echoing in the backround. He is my best friend, my supporting wall, my infinite orgasms provider, my soul and meaning of life seeker, my party companion, my “look at the stars!”, “we’ll stay in the car until the end of this song,” “we’re going on a trip!” “if you really want to know the truth, you’re fucking crazy,” human. The one in a million. Possibly the one who will be here until the end.

The rest of my life started with you. I can’t wait to build, experience, laugh, cry, feel, touch, live it with you, while we sing our hearts of to our favourite trance songs.

I call your name
You turn around, and surrender
You feel the light on your face
No more darkness, you are home now


*

I understand that time is on our side
And I hope you can breathe

Because you deserve, again for the first time on my blog, two songs at the end of my cheesy and fairy-tale like “feelings on keyboard” story.

Footnote: This is my 1010 post on my blog. (Numbers, energy, important stuff for me. I wouldn’t rather get into that right now.)

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